HELLO, I AM BACK!!!!
I haven’t written a blog post in ~months~ and I figured I’d end my silence today. Not that everyone is waiting on bated breath for my blog posts, but still, I hate just dropping off the face of the earth like that. So here’s what happened me with me.
I got engaged and subsequently entered into a frenzy of wedding planning, which is basically like a full-time job on its own. But there’s something more than wedding-induced stress that’s kept me from writing.
I’ve fallen into a slump of unbelief. Lack of faith. I read my Bible every morning, I highlight all the important verses, I encourage myself as best as I can! But my heart still feels a little deflated. I feel discouraged from the lack of direction I have in my life about where Devon & I will live, where we will work, what we will do. I definitely thought that by now, I would have a better picture of the future- and by “the future”, I mean when we get married, which is LESS THAN THREE MONTHS AWAY! There are still a lot of unknowns leading up to our big day, and I’ve dissolved into a huge puddle of stress about it.
A year and a half ago, I spoke about the future with confidence. I thought, “God’s got me taken care of, He will work out my future!” But what happens when God doesn’t show up like I thought He would? Or should I clarify, when God doesn’t show up in my timing? (How demanding of me! *eye roll*) Because that’s me right now. I expected God to have done something a little more obvious by now.
“God, hello? Hey, it’s me! Yes, I am in fact still here waiting, and I am in fact still stressed out! So could you please go ahead and do what I want you to do? And could you possibly make that happen like right now? “
(Not that I’m actually praying in those words, but when I really think about it, that’s kind of what I’m saying.)
So can you guess what God’s saying back?
He’s saying a big, fat, NOPE!!!!!! Not yet!!!!
God has gone ahead and SHUT ME DOWN! He has put me in my place!!! He has humbled me and has been very clearly saying, “You are not the boss of me! I am doing things how I would like to do them, thank you very much! I am in fact aware that you’re still there and still stressed, and I am in fact waiting for you to realize that you don’t need to be and never will be in control! And that you have zero idea what you’re talking about anyways because I know what’s best for you and you don’t! And I think I’ll have you wait a little bit longer so you can learn a lesson! :)”
And so I’m just here, counting down the days until my wedding, and kind of laughing because God is being a very last minute kind of Guy and it’s stretching me past my little breaking point in the best way possible. (Also if you think I’m some sort of crazy person who is actually having a legitimate conversation out loud with God like this, I plan on writing another post about what hearing from God actually sounds like, so stay tuned for that).
I hope this hasn’t offended anyone, because I had fun writing this. Sometimes I make God out to be this stern & serious no fun kind of Guy. But that’s not true, and it helps me understand Him more if I can kind of translate things into my own language.
Right now I have a mustard seed of faith, (Luke 17:6) and that’s all the Bible says I need. “I believe, help my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24). I know God is good, I know He is fighting for me, I know He has already won! I know He has written my story, I know He will ALWAYS take care of me, and I know He has blessed me far more than my often ungrateful heart will ever be able to comprehend. I know my mind is too small to grasp what He is doing, and so I’m just riding out these emotions and fears and building up my trust muscle.
And let me also be VERY clear in saying that I realize that my life is amazing. Like, I have absolutely no reason to complain. Absolutely none. I am engaged to literally the most amazing human being I have ever met on this planet, and just that alone is a gift more valuable to me than I will ever be able to quantify. I have an incredibly supportive family and awesome parents who take care of me and tons of friends who are always there for me. I have an endless list of things I’m grateful for. But in this one category of my life, I’m very overwhelmed- and that doesn’t negate any of the other blessings! I just wanted to share this one chapter of confusion, & be more transparent. Thank you for reading along!! I genuinely appreciate it.
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I’m barely engaged and Satan already hates my marriage. He hates that Devon and I have decided to join forces. He hates that we are going to make a powerful team, stronger together than we would be apart. He hates that we will see the worst in each other, but still love each other unconditionally. He hates every bit of it, and I have experienced the evidence of it.
Devon proposed to me two weeks ago, but I’ve already felt moments where the pressure of wedding planning overtakes the joy of engagement. I’ve felt the enemy trying his very best to shoot arrows of anxiety at me about where the wedding will be, how much it will cost, or who we will invite. His goal is to distract me from the joy and purpose of our marriage and preoccupy me with the insignificant details of our wedding.
I have a serious problem with the wedding industry right now. Fifty years ago, weddings were thrown together last minute, but marriages were built with endurance. Today, weddings are planned down to each petal in the bride’s bouquet- but it seems like marriages are thrown out when they aren’t easy anymore. And I feel like the way we treat weddings might have something to do with that.
Culture has it backwards. There are countless websites dedicated to wedding planning- The Knot. Wedding Wire. Brides.com. I’ve spent the past two weeks entrenched in wedding planning websites, and found that there are countless articles about finding the perfect nail polish color and the perfect bridesmaids dresses and the perfect consistency of icing on your wedding cake. But it’s all a huge wash! Because even the most picturesque wedding won’t keep your marriage strong. Why aren’t there any articles on these websites about how to prepare your heart for your actual marriage? You know, like, the part that lasts decades and comes after the ONE DAY of your wedding? Being in this generation of wedding obsession makes it really easy to get swept up in the hype of planning a magazine-worthy wedding. And I think it’s one way Satan has succeeded in distracting us from the core of what marriage is about.
There might not be much I can do about the way our culture has diluted the beauty of marriage. But I do have control over the way I view my own marriage and my own engagement season. I recognize that my wedding lasts one day, but my marriage will last my whole life!!! And I’m so excited for it!!! That’s why I will be putting more work into my future marriage than I do into the tiny details of my wedding. I will never stop putting work into my marriage, because all beautiful things require hard work.
You would never expect an oak tree to grow if you planted it on rocks and sand and never gave it water. On our wedding day, we will be planting the seed of our marriage. And we will be responsible for nurturing it and giving it what it needs to grow. So right now I’m focusing on the soil where that seed will soon go. I’m focusing on the dirt. It’s not polished and shiny like the wedding magazines portray. It looks more like prayer and honest conversations and instilling an undying determination to choose love even if you feel like digging up everything you worked to plant.
One day, I hope to write a book about wedding planning and never mention color coordination, guest count, or flower centerpieces. I’ve been dreaming of my wedding day since I was a little girl, but now that I’m here, I realize it’s going to be even more beautiful than any of my dreams. And that has nothing to do with the decorations, and everything to do with the man who will stand across from me, the people who will stand with us, and the God who loves us enough to let us experience just a fraction of His love in each other.
“Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not easily broken.”