Normally, I do absolutely everything in my power in order not to bother people. I do NOT like inconveniencing others, and will avoid asking for help at pretty much all costs. But that philosophy doesn’t really work well when you’re getting married. When you’re about to throw a 200-person party that you’ve been planning for hundreds of hours AND have to get the most dressed up you’ve ever gotten in your life AND have to coordinate with 10 different vendors AND have to get in the right headspace so you can be fully present when you get married, AND a million other little things, it’s just not physically possible to do it alone. It’s absolutely not possible. So on my wedding weekend, for the first time in my life, I allowed myself to completely and fully accept help from my friends, family, and professionals without feeling an OUNCE of guilt. And you know what? It was not only one of the most freeing experiences I’ve ever had, but also probably the most loved I’ve ever felt.
It made me wonder how much more fully I’d experience life if I allowed myself to give and take. Most often, I conserve. My personality type is very much prone to deep thinking, quiet time, reading, writing, and being by myself (If you’ve never heard of the Enneagram personality test, PLEASE MESSAGE ME ABOUT IT. YOU NEED TO TAKE THE TEST. I’ll probably write a whole new post about this!). It is physically difficult for me to leave the comfort of the mind and put my ideas into action. I offer myself through a screen by sharing my ideas, but it takes a lot out of me to offer myself in person. I love people, but I am so easily drained by socializing. No matter how much fun I have with my family and friends, I feel like I need to recover from all the effort it takes for me to interact.
Knowing my introverted tendencies, I was prepared to exert the absolute most energy I’ve ever exerted in my life when my wedding rolled around. And I’m not gonna lie, I was a little nervous about that part. I was afraid of being overwhelmed by it all, and I wasn’t sure how I’d handle it. But when the time came, I got a taste of what life is supposed to be like. I was surrounded by my family and my best friends-people who love me! And I actually let them love me. Love looks like giving, sacrificing, prioritizing. It was really uncomfortable for me to ask my friends to fly to San Diego, take time off work, buy bridesmaids dresses, and spend time with me. It was really hard to know that my family flew from across the country, rearranged their schedules, and made it work to be at my wedding. It was really uncomfortable when my bridesmaids paid for my breakfast, lunch, and dinner throughout our whole bachelorette weekend. I felt selfish! I couldn’t handle not being able to offer them anything in return. I couldn’t deal with being the recipient of so much generous love. But when I settled into the fact that they were giving me this gift regardless of whether or not I accepted it, I decided that if I didn’t just give up my fight to be self-sufficient I was going to miss out on a lot. So I decided to accept love and push the thoughts out of my head when they came to tell me I didn’t deserve this, or what if my friends all secretly didn’t want to be here, or what if people weren’t having a good time. I pushed those thoughts out, and I stopped worrying. I stopped and I just took the gift they were giving me. I took the gift God was giving me. And it felt amazing.
My wedding taught me how to accept love. Not from Devon- I already fought that battle & lost long ago. You know the battle where you can’t believe another person is willing to do the things they do for you? And you fight against it because it makes you feel a new level of vulnerability to accept sacrifices from another person who is not your parent? I learned that lesson- it doesn’t really work if Devon gives me love and I immediately try to give it back. Love requires accepting. And I finally learned how to accept it.