I’m Never Going To Be Happy

At the rate I’m going, I’m never going to be happy. Sure, I’ll experience moments of happiness, but I will never arrive at the destination I’ve set for my personal happiness.

Let me explain.

I’ve recently noticed a phrase popping up in my vocabulary way too often: “I can’t wait.”

“I can’t wait until I have my own place”
“I can’t wait until I pay off my student loans”
“I can’t wait to get married”
“I can’t wait to own my own business”

I could write out a hundred of these. I actually say it most often to my boyfriend, because I’m missing him so much more now that I’m living back at home & he’s still living on campus. It’s difficult only seeing him every few days when we were accustomed to living just a few apartment buildings away from each other, so I find myself anticipating the future at the expense of appreciating the present.

“I can’t wait” really does seem like a harmless thing to say. It indicates excitement and eagerness for the future, and can also help to frame positive thinking about expecting a good outcome in life.
But this phrase has an insidious and limiting implication. This phrase sets a time for when I can be happy, and it’s implying that the time to be happy isn’t now.

I so clearly remember being miserable in high school. I just couldn’t wait to graduate and move on to college. I started my freshman year full of excitement, and enjoyed the new experience of living away from home for the first time. But after the first two years of college, I was ready for life post-grad. Or so I thought! I couldn’t wait to be graduated! And now that I’m graduated, I already have an even bigger list of new things to wait for to be happy.

What I know, but just need to drill into my head, is that there will always be something to look forward to. I don’t want to spend my life yearning for tomorrow instead of choosing to be content today. I don’t want to wait until I get married to be happy, because then after that, I’ll be waiting to go on that vacation, move into that nicer house, pay off that debt, have kids, then send the kids to college, have grand kids, retire- I could be waiting for happiness my whole life. There are seasons in our lives for a reason, and we need to learn how to appreciate each one for what it is.

So, I can wait. I can wait for something while still being happy with where I’m at now. I refuse to ignore the blessing sitting in front of my face only to clamor impatiently for the next one.  My challenge to myself is to start saying, “I’m so excited”, in place of “I can’t wait”. I want to re-frame my thinking, and I encourage you to do the same!

What event have you subconsciously been waiting for to happen before you’ll be happy? How can you find happiness with something you already have? Let me know in the comments below!

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Today, I Choose Fear

Apparently, something happens when you start taking risks.
Living boldly become easier- almost even addicting, as time goes on.

Successful people have been saying this for a long time now: “Do one thing a day that scares you.”

Despite the numerous benefits boasted by those who take these risks, I don’t have enough hands on which to count just how many times I’ve heard this advice and done absolutely NOTHING about it. Anyone else?

It’s a great idea in theory- but in practice? Much more difficult.
Most days, I stay safe in the bubble of my comfort zone, thinking about all the awesome things I could be doing if I just put myself out there.

I’ve spent much of my life living in fear. I am prone to anxiety, and frequently deal with fear from various made-up scenarios in my head. It’s actually ridiculous. I’ll see an instagram post about a pregnancy announcement and then spiral into panic about the fact that one day in the very far future, I will be giving birth!!! Ridiculous. My brain is fun like that. But most of the time, I’m worrying about something that hasn’t happened yet and probably will never happen. If I’m going to be scared about some obscure hypothetical situation anyways, why not take a meaningful risk and be scared about that? There is nothing wrong with fear itself. The problem comes from allowing yourself to live in obedience to fear.

(designed with canva)

So today is a day that I have chosen fear. Today is a day to do something that scares me: start a blog.

I have been a DEDICATED journaler since I could write. These are just some of the journals I’ve filled up over the years!

I’ve grown to rely on writing as a means of catharsis, and have gotten through some of the most difficult events of my life by writing through them. I feel that it’s time I start sharing more of my ideas, even though it scares me.

Here are some reasons why this scares me:

  1. I’m sensitive, and even just the thought of negative feedback sends me into a panic.
  2. I’m a relatively private person, and prefer to keep most things to myself.
  3. I care too much about what people think of me.

Here are some reasons why the above reasons do not matter:

  1. If I live in fear of rejection my whole life, I will ultimately reject the life God wants me to live.
  2. “The value of emotions comes from sharing them, not just having them” (Quote by Simon Sinek). I have significantly benefited from the vulnerability of others, and want to be a part of that.
  3. I will not let my life be dictated by the fear of other’s opinions.

I think everyone experiences these fears, but not everyone overcomes them. I don’t want to live my life in the shadows of my dreams anymore, so if you’re reading along, thanks for being a part of my risk, however small it may be!

What risk can you take in your own life today?